A friend recently shared these tips from a 1950s women’s magazine on how to look after your husband. I reproduce it here with my thoughts in italics. Don’t judge me.
- Have dinner ready
Plan ahead to have a delicious meal on time. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed. (Yes, fish fingers and frozen peas counts as a meal.)
- Prepare yourself
Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. (Unless he’s a politician, in which case he may well be quite energised.) Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. (I’m thinking the gay thing may not be a super idea …)
- Clear away the clutter
Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper etc. (Stash all that crap under the beds. He’ll never look there.)
- Prepare the children
Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (… if they are small. Do not attempt this with teenagers.), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. (A better plan would be to gag them and tie them to their beds, kill them, or possibly adopt better ones.)
- Minimise all noise
At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, drier, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet (see above. If that doesn’t work a whack to the back of the head with a broom usually does the trick). Be happy to see him. (A couple of gin and tonics and a fistful of valium works a treat.)
- Some don’ts
Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. (Having to wait while PA Michelle brings him coffee, long tedious lunch at the Brekkie Creek, meetings where he’s forced to look down PA Michelle’s blouse etc)
Make him comfortable
Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom.(Uh-oh!) Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. (You should NOT have been wearing them in the first place!) Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. (Then when he’s asleep take all the money out of his wallet.)
Listen to him
You may have a dozen things to tell him, but … let him talk first. (Definitely do not tell him about the awesome congress you had this afternoon with the gardener. That can wait.)
Make the evening his
Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to another place of entertainment. (Basically you simply don’t deserve this type of treat.) Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to come home and relax. (And drink beer and yell at the children.)
The goal
Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. (And if all this makes you so completely depressed you want to kill yourself, for god’s sake don’t make a mess that he will have to clean up!)
Sue Wighton 